Before you faint from the fact that you just read that phrase, let me explain.
I miss CERTAIN qualities about who I was in middle school.
The melodrama, constant crying, embarrassing quirks, catchphrases, and poor sense of style can stay in 2006-2008.
The confidence in some of my gifts, I would like to have sometimes.
Reading through my old Xanga (TeNnEsSeE_GiRl24 … yeah) is thoroughly embarrassing.
I used to say things like “amaz-za-zing”, “deal with it”, “puhh-lease”, “hehe”, and added the descriptive suffix “-ness” to everything.
But, underneath the grime of shame and disdain for my former self is a quality I never realized I had.
When I was in middle school, I feel like I was anything BUT confident. I literally cried one time because we couldn’t afford for me to wear Hollister Co 100% of the time like every other 12 year-old.
I had needs, okay.
I went from total tomboy (what I lovingly refer to as my “man days” / not totally accurate, I’ve always been a girl), to waking up every morning at 5am just to straighten my hair.
I flirted by being clumsy + dumb. A very original way of getting attention.
Looking back, I hate who I was.
But when I look through my life documented in a public journal, I realize that I posted quite frequently. I was very confident that what I had to say was mandatory for people to hear. Now my thoughts weren’t about gay marriage, what the pursuit of holiness means, or how to thrift shop like Macklemore. Most of my posts were about basketball games, my relationship with God at the moment, and petty thoughts — middle school girl stuff.
But at the end of the day, I believed my thoughts were important and that my voice needed to be heard. I know at this point that God has told me to be a voice for others. He’s called me to speak up for those who can’t speak up for themselves, but some days I’d rather stay silent because I don’t believe anything I have to say has any value.
Reminder, 20 year-old Ana:
You have things at the core of your being that are brewing that need to be heard, but you lack confidence in your gift of writing, speaking, and sharing with others.
Find it and chase it with all of you have.
So here goes the quest to find that confidence in my voice again.
I never thought I’d learn a valuable lesson from this girl:
P.S. This used to be one of my favorite pictures of me. I thought I looked so good.
Praise Jesus for puberty.
P.P.S. Most of the photos I looked through, I said aloud, “I can never show anyone this. Ever.” So you’re welcome for taking one photo in all of 3 years that I could actually share someday on the world wide web when I turned 20.
P.P.S.S. Xanga is officially dead, so don’t go trying to find my profile. Muhahaha.