my kind of town

It’s official!

I’m moving to Chicago for my entire senior year of college for student teaching in special education. Not cutesy, fancy, Michigan Ave, or suburbs of Chicago; more like low income-culturally rich-beautiful-historical neighborhood Chicago.

And that is insanely liberating, exciting, overwhelming, strengthening, fear-inducing and terrifying.

If I’m 100% honest, I’m really scared. Like really really scared.
Not about crime or death or shooting or kidnapping or rape or any of the typical things people ask me about when they find out I’m moving to Chicago (which is a totally comforting question btw, keep asking it).

I’m really scared at being bad at it.
I’m scared of failing my students by not being able to do it, not loving them enough, or teaching them enough, or advocating for them enough, or being so overwhelmed by the despair I see that I just can’t do it without weeping through the day.

Honestly speaking, I’m generally decent at most things I try my hand at. My dad and I always joke about how we’re a little good at a lot of different things, where as most people are really good at a couple things.
I’ve yet to decide which is better.

But I’m really scared at being bad at this. Where it actually matters.
It’s such a silly, selfish fear to have, but fear of failure has been my most stubborn contender for many years now.

I strive for perfection in everything I do, and failure cripples me like none other.

I’m standing on the promise of God in being UNSHAKABLE.
Things will occur to me and around me, and yet, I will remain unshakable. That does not mean things will be fun, easy, or peace-filled.
Rather, it means things AREN’T easy, but still, I will remian faithful and my spirit will propel further, rather than falll down.

After turning in my application for student teaching, and doubting myself, I felt so strongly that the Lord just wanted me to think positive! — which is crazy because I’m normally grossly optimistic about situations, and then I realized:
fear was making me someone I wasn’t.

So now, instead of:
What if my students hate me?
What if I never find a church?
What if my students aren’t better off than they were when I started with them?
What if I can’t save them?
What if my administration or the faculty hates me?
I’m thinking:
What if my students love me?
What if I find the greatest church home?
What if my students have a new direction in life because I was with them?
What if I don’t save them, but God does?
What if I am well-liked in my school?

Sometimes, it’s not about changing our circumstances, but rather, changing the perspective of our “what if?” questions.

Be encouraged as you take on new quests that no, you can’t do it, but the God in you can, and that is more important than anything else.

“Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” // Exodus 4:12

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

“I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.” // Psalm 16:8


2 thoughts on “my kind of town

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